Aggressively Inarticulate

For the last couple of years I’ve been showing some of my students and parents this YouTube video of Taylor Mali. Taylor Mali is a poet, teacher, voice actor and more generally, an observer of the human condition.

One of his best observations is the slow death of the declarative sentence. Not only have I seen this type of vocalization ‘in the wild’ of my classes, but I find this trend of verbalization to be detrimental to one’s self-confidence.

In case you can’t click on the link to listen to Mali vocalize Totally like whatever, you know?, then let me give you some highlights:

...Invisible question marks and parenthetical (you know?)’s
have been attaching themselves to the ends of our sentences?
Even when those sentences aren’t, like, questions? You know?

...Declarative sentences—so-­‐called
because they used to, like, DECLARE things to be true, okay...

...I have nothing personally invested in my own opinions, okay?
I’m just inviting you to join me in my uncertainty?

...I entreat you, I implore you, I exhort you,
I challenge you: To speak with conviction.

To say what you believe in a manner that bespeaks
the determination with which you believe it.
Because contrary to the wisdom of the bumper sticker,
it is not enough these days to simply QUESTION AUTHORITY.
You have to speak with it, too.

So what does language have to do with self-defense? For one, when used properly, the voice is a powerful tool to control distance, and to express our intent. It can project authority and even put fear in the minds of some of its recipients. Think of a bark, a growl, the roar of a lion or a drill instructor.

As regular readers know, I run my school/dojo on three main principles: discipline, awareness and organization. Only when one is aware of a stranger, can one begin to discover the intent of a stranger. Once the intent of a stranger is discovered, then one can vocalize their own intent and concerns.

When someone adopts a verbal posturing akin to Mali’s poem, they are seen as pushovers. Needs are not met accurately, timely or consistently by being passive aggressive, mealymouthed or interrogative.
If a child feels meek, sounds meek and looks meek, then he will not feel like he is worth protecting. If the child feels as if his will and position in life is always at question then he can only be affirmed positively or negatively by others and never by himself.

It is important for children to learn to speak clearly and firmly as early as possible. Claiming space with their voice and posture not only shows others where they stand, but it makes them feel like they are worth standing up for.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Automa-Teen

I read this article a few weeks back, and my heart went out to the author and her fellow classmates. Given that the average child is safer, smarter and more savvy than previous generations, how is it that any child can write the following of her educational experience?

We are not teenagers. We are lifeless bodies in a system that breeds competition, hatred, and discourages teamwork and genuine learning. We lack sincere passion. We are sick.

We, as a community, have completely lost sight of what it means to learn and receive an education.

Why is that not getting through to this community? Why does this insanity that is our school district continue?

…...Now that I'm nearing the end of my academic career in Palo Alto, I'd like to nostalgically look back and remember how much fun I had growing up, learning, and being a teenager in our city.

I'm sorry to say I won't be able to do that even in the slightest degree.

We lack sincere passion? We are sick? This is the youth of our country and they feel sick and passionless before the age of 18?

First off, I must commend this young woman for being aware enough to understand what is happening to her and her fellow students; disciplined enough to make a clear and cogent case for these issues; and organized enough to push her concerns onto the national table of discussion.

Second, I have to wonder where the adults of her community stand. If they are aware of such sentiments, then what do they intend to do about them? Do they even think the sentiment is valid?

Panning back onto the national stage, have the adults of our nation become so paranoid about their own fiscal lives that they are willing to sacrifice their children’s childhoods by maintaining an educational gristmill that is slowly becoming nothing more than an intellectual sweatshop? Have the adults of our nation exhausted all other answers?

What would Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Larry Ellison, Michael Dell, Steve Jobs, Henry Ford or Walt Disney think of the state of education now? Better yet, if you have some time, take a look at what Sir Ken Robinson thinks about the state of education.

Those who are regular readers of my column know that I’m all for experiencing struggle andfailure, and that I can’t condone taking the easy way out. However, I wonder, when did the educational system become such a Kobayashi Maru?

Personally, I had a great educational experience right up through college. Sure I went through awkward stages such as acne, body image, braces, glasses and 80’s haircuts, but I still had time to enjoy football, lacrosse, karate, socializing, homework and still get to bed by 10 o’clock at night.

Was it stressful at times? Sure, but nothing was so awful that I look back at my younger years with disdain. I also cannot recall anything noteworthy enough to make me feel that my educational experience was so easy that I didn’t feel prepared for the rigors of life.

Then there are the issues involving sleep, diet and exercise that affect everyone. What happens when lack of sleep, poor diet, extreme stress and less time for positive outlets are combined with poor lifestyle choices having to do with with sex, drugs and alcohol? When our basic needs are disrupted, it is more difficult for any of us to make positive lifestyle choices, and more likely that we will succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts.

For the sake of all children, I would suggest we take a harder look at the balancing act between education and the childhood experience. I don’t think anyone reading the above would want to feel like this student, nor would we want to read this coming from any of our own children.

I’d like to believe that this article, from Palo Alto, will become a battle cry that causes the trenches to be dug deep enough and wide enough that we don't have to ever read here on TAP that local students feel the same way. If we are concerned enough to wrap our children up in all the latest safety gear for the physical risks they take on the athletic field, then we should also be willing to take a hard look at mitigating the mental health risks that children face on the academic field as well.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

The Richness of the Mundane

There is richness in the mundane that will never be discovered if we cover it up with extravagance.

A few years ago, a friend of mine was relating a conversation he had with his teenage daughter. She asked her father what he thought would be a good career for her. In somewhat of a tongue-in-cheek answer that smacked of a harsh reality, he replied, “If you want to live like we do in this town, then you’re going to have to become an investment banker.”

By no means does my friend live an extravagant lifestyle, but he is a successful realist that values his tight knit family and friends dearly. The most important lesson I received from this story was the following: what does the child, who enjoys all the spices of life, strive for during their years of independence?

Just this past week I was talking to another friend, who happened to be in on the aforementioned conversation. He was discussing how expensive NJ has become and how he’s glad his children (I’m the godfather to his son) don’t recognize the dollar value of certain vacations. They just love going away as a family, whether it is a weekend down to see friends in Delaware or all the way to the Philippines where his wife’s family is from.

That’s when our friend’s story about his teenage daughter hit us. What if all of the hard work and all of the guilty feelings of being away from one’s children turn into a trap of compensation?

Feeling the need to fill that void of guilt with more extravagance than a child is capable of appreciating or imagining. Children are not born knowing the difference between something extravagant versus something mundane. The more ubiquitous the extravagance, the more it is expected. Meanwhile, everything else becomes subpar.

This leaves children with the real world struggle of either never being able to replicate their childhood experience or finding their childhood to be such a fantasy that it ruins their taste for everyday living.

As my mentor would caution me, “You don’t feed lobster to a baby,” when he saw students cajoling us to give them more information than they could chew in one class. “Less is more,” he’d follow up with, as he explained that without a strong foundation, it will not matter how intricate and beautiful the ornament adorned upon a roof if it crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure.

May we all have children that find joy in the mundane and a foundation of happiness from which they can spring towards greater heights of their own choosing.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Altar Of Scrutiny

“I'm worried that students will take their obedient place in society and look to become successful cogs in the wheel - let the wheel spin them around as it wants without taking a look at what they're doing.
--Howard Zinn

I’m big on asking the question ‘why’. How we do things is efficient, but knowing ‘why’ we do things can really help a habit, method, or technique take root.

When I was a student, knowing the reason ‘why’ I did something helped me anchor my newly acquired knowledge. When I began teaching, I found that answering other people’s ‘why’ helped me to expand my knowledge even further.

My knowledge base is who I am and how I make my living. In order to keep myself sharp, I must lay my craft upon the altar of scrutiny or complacency will take over like rigor mortis.

Although I teach an art that is steeped in the tradition of control, discipline and respect, it would be irresponsible for me to use those three attributes as a way to control the conversation.

Every student has their own unique learning style and interests for studying the martial arts. As my students have often heard me say, “I teach you all the same way--differently.”

Besides, if no one challenges the system they are given, then the system fails in the same way the individual will fail--through stagnation and erosion of purpose.

Plus, what would happen if everyone just obeyed? At best I’d be using a quill and ink by candle light right now, the world would be flat and our country, as we know it, probably wouldn’t exist.

Not encouraging my students to question me can be dangerous. When someone presumes all authority figures should be trusted without checking in with their own logic and experience, then they become perfect automatons that are easily manipulated.

This is just what the usurper, con man or criminal wants--someone who goes with the flow when a ‘command’ voice is used. “Come with me and I won’t hurt you.” If someone trusts a stranger enough to follow them after they make that kind of threat, then I have an altar of scrutiny to sell them.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

The Masks Of Approval

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing” ~Aristotle

In our pursuit of happiness, it is natural to seek approval. From our earliest days we would look up towards our parents for an approving face as we scooted across the floor on our hands and knees. Very little changes as we pass through school, enter the workforce and build long lasting relationships. Every step of the way a different ‘mask’ of approval is worn.

I would imagine that when people think of a mask, they tend to think of someone being two-faced. When someone close to us is two-faced it can really challenge or end the relationship. Why would someone give two different messages? Which message is the ‘right’ one? Which ‘face’ should I trust? Should I trust this person anymore?

All of these are valid questions and concerns, but another question worth asking is what is the fear that is driving the mask-wearer? I believe this fear is tied to approval and happiness.

If we look at young children, some may begin lying once they realize that telling the truth will bring disapproval and unhappiness. Sometimes they even lie about good things because of the manner in which the question is asked. Why would adults be any different?

It’s impossible to have relationships devoid of unhappiness or disapproval. Rather than allowing the moment of unhappiness or disapproval to pass naturally, however, the tendency is to place a mask upon the face and let a little white lie slip out.

“Sorry, I can’t get together with you this weekend, my wife/husband has me doing chores all weekend long.” You can imagine what your friends may begin to think of your spouse when they hear that excuse too often. “Sorry, I can’t get together this weekend, I really want to spend time with the family” is honest, but it now prioritizes your family over your friends. Oh the humanity! If your friends don’t understand that, then are they really your friends?

Perpetuating this culture of donning a mask ‘protects’ us from being a part of disapproval or unhappiness, but is anyone truly happy about having to hide behind a mask in front of friends, family or co-workers? When we don’t tell the truth and instead try not to visit disapproval, disappointment or unhappiness upon ourselves or others, the web simply grows and so does our collection of masks.

Imagine if a person could track down every mask they ever wore in front of someone. What would that person look like? Would the person match their mask/s? Would it fit a Facebook profile? Resume? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is rip the mask off. But removing the mask can be freeing, because there is no need to remember which mask goes with which outfit, circumstance, group or person. There’s less to remember, less time backpedaling and more time for happiness, shared through genuine relationships that accept you on your good days and your bad.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Let Go Often

The three words I use to guide my martial arts program are discipline, awareness and organization. Perhaps I should use the word ‘self’ as a prefix to those attributes, but it doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well. That said, when someone embodies the aforementioned attributes, they do become self-actualized. This is what I want for all of my students.

Training someone to become self-actualized takes time, discipline, awareness and organization. It is much like building a house of cards. At first, it takes your hands to hold the cards in place until there is the right amount of friction and force keeping the cards together, but then you have to be able to let go.

Sometimes you are rewarded when you let go, and the cards stay up all by themselves. Sometimes the cards fall, and the ‘builder’ learns the never-ending lesson that one can never have enough patience or self-discipline. A student or child may know of the destination you have in store for them, but they rarely know how the journey will unfold.

Once the student and teacher/parent have success building a foundation of trust, it is time to repeat the process, except this time it needs to be a bit more difficult. It needs to challenge the foundation just enough to get the foundation to settle permanently. A new layer must be laid upon the previous.

The success of the foundation and second layers will be challenged. If all goes well, then you collectively share in the joy of success. Another lesson learned. If all or part crumbles, then you may share in the collective disappointment of failure. This is where a lesson of patience and perseverance is learned and/or reinforced by both parties. This is where letting go will reveal self-actualization and determination or not.

If the hands remain on the cards forever, then there is no opportunity for freedom and growth. There is no chance for self-actualization, no chance of ever knowing how strong the foundation actually is. However, if the hands are slowly removed, with the indentations of the cards still fresh on the fingertips, one begins to see the wonder and dreams possible as self-actualization takes root.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Through The Looking Glass

When I’m teaching kids, my active focus is on teaching them how to learn self-control through the art of self-protection. My passive focus is on providing an opportunity for parents to see how their kids interact and learn in a group environment while watching through a one-way mirror. It is not often that parents get to observe their children from behind the scenes.

Although the children might know you are in the other room, they quickly become engrossed in their new environment: a long wall of mirrors in front of them and a padded floor beneath their bare feet, which is great for coordinated, agile bodies as well as clumsy and inefficient ones. Now that their awareness is on me and/or their training partner, it’s showtime for the parents.

Comedy, tragedy, perseverance, joy and sometimes all the aforementioned rolled into one can be seen in any moment. However, for possibly the first time, a parent gets to see how their child behaves when they believe their parent might not be there. Most of the time it’s a pleasant surprise.

A child that normally doesn’t talk becomes animated. A child that normally can’t sit still is filled with focus in a static posture. A child that typically cries in the face of something new, difficult and frustrating becomes a child full of grim determination. There is no giving up in my dojo. Where there is will between a student and I, there is a way.

Best of all, parents get to see what their child will do in the face of an uncertain outcome while they try to problem solve real life issues in real time. Can you watch your son struggle through a math test at school? Can you stand in the middle of your daughter’s soccer field and see how she navigates a soccer ball through a couple of defenders?

Even from the sidelines, it is often hard to see what they may or may not be thinking or feeling, but ten feet away, through the looking glass, you can see the wheels turning. You can see the fire of creative determination burning.

Eventually, you begin to see the results of greater self-control and confidence in your children: a straightening of their posture and strengthening of their limbs. They become more aware of themselves and their surroundings, more disciplined about their behavior and how they spend their time with the people around them. They become more organized and intelligent in using their body and mind to solve real world problems. Eventually, you’ll never need to look through that looking glass again, because they will have achieved the autonomy you’ve always wanted for them.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Special

I don’t believe that I am owed anything in life because of some gift by design. It’s not that I’m overly tough or that I lack empathy for others, it’s just that I believe that everything someone is or becomes has to be earned. People aren’t born special, it is the effort they put into living that makes them special.

I do believe that we are all different and I think that this is what I see as ‘special’. I recall one day when two friends of mine were in the car with me and I experienced this moment of ‘different’ and ‘special’ all at once. Jeff was driving, I was in the passenger seat and Todd was in the back seat behind me. For whatever reason, we were looking at a large sign that was looming up on our right side.

Todd and I start laughing, because it was instinctively amusing to us, but we couldn’t quite read the full text. Jeff glanced over at the sign as he drove and started laughing too. Knowing how quick of a reader he was, we asked what it said. He explained, and then it dawned on me. How the hell did he read that while going 70 MPH with a single glance?

The text was at least 3 lines long on a large billboard and it wasn’t something simple like ‘Eat At Denny’s’. So I asked him, ‘Jeff, how could you read that in it’s exact detail after we passed the sign?’ His response was, ‘I took a picture.’ Mind. Blown.

When he explained how he saw his world, it was like I could read the code in the movie ‘The Matrix’. His mind is beautiful and it has changed how I’ve seen everyone else’s mind since that day.

What you don’t know is that at that point, I had known Jeff for over a decade, and I had never known how his mind worked until that day. It explained his brilliance in college and on Wall St. as well as how he was capable of helping everyone with anything they ever asked of him (he also had a huge heart to go with that big brain of his).

On the other side of the spectrum is one of my black belts’ sons who started class at the age of six. Having known Michael since he was born, it was nice to see him join my class, and I enjoyed watching his excitement for karate blossom.

His father, Sam, is a hard working successful businessman and really puts his full effort into everything, but his martial training did not come any easier to him than anyone else’s. Michael, however, was exceptional.

After Michael was tested for yellow belt, he received a booklet with a still set of pictures that showed a form that he would have to learn. There were only twelve movements of the form shown. The actual form was closer to 30 movements, but the movement of the footwork and handwork could not be seen, just the ‘stills’ that indicated the ‘endpoint’. Having received the booklet on a Thursday night, Michael was proficient at the whole movement set by the end of the weekend, without his father knowing. He had filled in the gaps.

So he’s diligent and hard working, right, no big deal; you’re bound to find someone like that along your teaching career. Well, I’ve got more to share. Typically, kids take a few months to learn this particular form and develop competence in it.  Michael learned that form in 3 days and could outperform anyone in the class regardless of rank and age. But then something even more amazing occurred.

Sam showed up to his weekly private lesson with me one day with a smirk on his face and said, ‘I have to tell you a story about Michael.’ He proceeded to tell me that Michael had found his black belt DVD, a video performance of all of Sam’s forms, sparring, etc. Michael had secretly learned a 70+ movement form all from watching his father’s DVD over the week. Michael had an amazing mind and body connection.

When a new student steps into the dojo (‘way place’ in Japanese, colloquially known as a school), I see an amazing opportunity to get to know another beautiful mind and kinetic body and help teach them how to work together. A mind and body that can do anything they put their collective effort into. Now that’s something special. I’m game if you are.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Bribe Me Towards Success

I was watching a TED talk given by Carol Dweck, whose primary research is right up my alley: motivation, personality and development. Having read some books that highlight her research, I was glad to hear that she and I agree that rewarding ‘answers’ is not as effective as rewarding the process or the struggle of overcoming a challenge.

Dweck asks:

How are we raising our children?...Are we raising kids who don't know how to dream big dreams? Their biggest goal is getting the next A or the next test score? And are they carrying this need for constant validation with them into their future lives? Maybe, because employers are coming to me and saying, we have already raised a generation of young workers who can't get through the day without an award.

In a world terrified of failure and yet obsessed with instant gratification and fairness,giving a child a mindset which supports his actions towards a goal instead of rewarding the completed goal is quite refreshing.When someone is wholly engaged with the journey of learning, the act of learning becomes infectious.

Without this sense of engagement, and when the ‘answer’ or goal is the primary focus, cheating inevitably becomes part of the process. This is how we create a selfish and entitled group of people that know no consequences or limitations, because the ends will always justify the means.

Getting the right ‘answer’ should be about skill development, not just about getting the answer and moving on. This is why I rejoice at the sight of every student who isn’t afraid of failure and is willing to persevere through hard work and feel the satisfaction of a job well done. Pride can be an undernourished emotion.

On the other hand, give me a penny for every child who has more awards at age 12 than most of my generation at age 40 and I could pay off my mortgage. And what has this ‘over-awarding’ done to the parent/child or teacher/student relationship?

Children and students have become excellent at ‘blackmailing’. Want me to wash my face? brush my teeth? get my clothes on? make my bed? Bribe Me! Good behavior needs to be its own reward; the fabric of society doesn’t work without a certain level of trust.

When a child ‘earns’ a reward for doing the most basic things, it cheapens the reward and may also suggest that life is less meaningful without rewards - why find your own enjoyment in life, when there’s always a cookie calling your name?

When children don’t move forward of their own initiative, they become adults who require constant monitoring, like an Ivy League grad at a small retail brokerage firm where my friend is a strategist:

One day, this young Ivy League employee was asked to interrupt his regular duties and jump on a project that needed to be done by lunch. As soon as he finished this task, he was found surfing the internet. When his superior asked him “why”, he responded, “I was done with that project, so I was waiting for someone to tell what to do next.” Now go back and read the first sentence of this paragraph in case you missed ‘the rub’.

Re-educating someone into accepting the satisfaction of a job well done isn’t always easy, but with baby steps, it can be accomplished. On the individual level, I find it best for someone to learn how to surpass their own previous performances. Once a student learns to correctly repeat a given skill, I want to see how many repetitions they can do correctly, how many they can do under a certain time frame or with distractions.

When a student succeeds at pushing past their previous efforts, the reward comes from two places. Firstly, my approval in the form of a smile, exclamation, handshake or high-five, and the second reward is something students need to learn to furnish themselves. The feeling of pride and self-confidence in the way of a smile back to me, a jump, etc. Being affirmed by your elders or mentors should trump any trinket.

As usual, the change has to come from the top - the adults.  After all, we are the role models that help children internalize their lessons, but not when we overemphasize external rewards. An internal system of rewards can be accessed infinitely, thereby fostering an “I can do anything I put effort into” attitude. A generation raised this way would be a generation worthwhile being governed by.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

TMI

Marlin: I promised I'd never let anything happen to him.
Dory: Hmm. That's a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: What?
Dory: Well, you can't never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.
--Finding Nemo (2003)

Too much information. That’s what a student and I realized was the bigger problem facing children and society in general these days. We have all had one of those conversations that leaves our mental space overly-occupied, those conversations that leave an imprint of an acronym in our minds: TMI. 

Perhaps, as adults, we can filter out the useless from the truly informative, but at what cost to our time and energy? What should be of even more concern, however, is that often this information excess is dumped on children, who aren’t necessarily equipped to understand what they’re really reading, seeing or listening to.

Whether it is on social media, TV, newspapers, radio, or podcasts, we get “world news” instantly and it runs the gamut. Most of it is sensational. From an adorable 4 year old girl feeding 6 large male pitbulls dinner as if she was conducting a symphony orchestra to a terror attack in France. By the time we finish reading this sentence, we’ll be thinking about another half-dozen such events….that’s TMI. If adults find filtering all of this exhausting, imagine how overwhelmed kids are.

As this relates to adults, it distracts us from reality. All of this information is like unwanted pop-up ads for male enhancement or cheap, safe ways to lose weight fast. In this day and age we are expected to have a social media profile (guilty), maintain it (not guilty enough) and grow it (please like my FB account ;D). Sure it helps business, but what about the peripheral noise we get along with it?

I certainly know that there are times that I have to remind myself to shake off the extreme negative conduit of information that seems to permeate everything I read, see or listen to-it’s like ACME strength chewing gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

I can’t count how often I hear parents telling me the number of alerts they get about their neighborhood safety:

There’s a suspicious man driving a white...no, blue...nope, word on the street is it’s now a maroon paneled van. Sorry! Sorry! Folks, no need to be alarmed, that’s just the undercover child predator team keeping your children safe.

Parents are afraid of their children going anywhere alone. Even in the towns they themselves grew up in. In towns where they know everyone and know that their child is just a cellphone jingle or ‘proof-of-life selfie with a smoothie’ away.

This kind of information overload also deeply affects children. What is a child to do but ask for another video game, game console system, bigger TV, iPhone 6, 7, 7C and more, faster, better streaming videos and eleventy-billion hours of cartoon network? I need more bandwidth, MOM!?!?

Even if they wanted to go out and play, there’s no one else out there to play with. Even if they wanted to walk to school, very few children do that now. “Now let me put your socks and shoes on and then you can play on the deck. Don’t get any splinters!,” says a parent to his 14 year old son.

Everyone is so busy making sure they’re not doing the wrong thing for their child, that it’s hard to remember that the point of raising children is so they can learn to care for themselves. Otherwise, why would they ever leave the confines of their parents’ houses? But no one wants to risk being ‘that parent’. Ya know, the ones that didn’t bubble wrap their kid and then a meteorite fell on him.

Yet off they go into the wild Ivy League green pastures to sow their seeds of intelligence and rub elbows with the billionaire barons and baronesses of the future!! Let’s take a few phone calls from the future:

“Mom, how do I make my bed?”
“I have to wash my bed sheets??”
“Wait, how do you wash things?”

Of course, I saw some of this happen 23 years ago even before the social media craze. They were amusing problems then, but they were a rarity. Now, kids go off to college with the impression that they’ve got all the answers (they’ve got google/youtube/FB after all).

But when they get their first job, who wants to be the parent that calls the boss on behalf of their child?? Besides, in real life, sometimes there is no time to call for help.

With all of this information gathering, sorting and filtering, when do children have time to learn to fail on their own, discover on their own, lose on their own and pick themselves up and succeed on their own? Children who go off into the real world with unfiltered knowledge and limited hardships can be a recipe for disaster.

Talk about a misallocation of time and resources. All that time trying to protect them and then they go off not knowing how to protect themselves.

All of this polarizing information has lead people to believe that it is their neighborhood that is unsafe (untrue). What is true is that what children don’t learn early on about being responsible, self-sufficient and self-disciplined, will backfire when they go into the real world or even just college.

In 1992, when I was a freshman at Drew University, there were 1.9 Million Total Violent Crimes spread across the US. Twenty years later (2013 has not been calculated yet), that number has dropped to 1.2 million total violent crimes. Although I wasn’t a math major, that’s over a 30% drop! That’s extremely good news in my book.

Although the digital age may cause some paralysis by analysis and unfounded fears, undoubtedly it also has its benefits. The best thing adults can do for their children is be better role models by limiting the information they take in. Additionally, we should teach children how to filter the information that they take in. This could take some pressure off of parents, allowing kids to go explore their world before they inherit it.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

In With The New Year and Out With The Bad Habits

Every year, billions of people swear they’re going to make some changes this time. Typically, these resolutions are in regards to wealth, health and happiness, but why wait until January 1st and forget about it by January 31st? Good habits can happen anytime, but they come neither easily nor quickly.

I wrote two columns a few weeks back on habits and perception which highlighted the issue that people are not always cognizant of either. When people aren’t aware of the ‘how and why’ of their habits and perceptions, they can often find themselves in places with no recollection as to how they got there.

Habits are subject to perceptions and perceptions are subject to previous habits. The two form a cycle from which neither can be removed. You can see the conundrum here. How does one know which habits they’ve chosen versus which habits they’ve imposed upon themselves unknowingly?

Since habits can be good and bad, it is as important to accumulate good habits as it is to eliminate bad habits. Practicing first the discipline of honest awareness and observation of one’s current habits is probably a better way to start off the New Year than reaching for goals that are foundationless.

Taking the time to discover what habits are impeding one’s life and developing a plan for removing them is as important as adding new resolutions. It’s also possible that removing some bad habits is better than covering them up with good intentions. Either way, patience is needed with these changes.

It takes time and effort to observe, distinguish, eliminate and/or add habits. Although popular wisdom states that it takes ‘21 days to make a habit and 7 days to break it’, popular wisdom is often just that-popular. According to a study on habits, it takes an average of 66 days.

When analyzing one’s habits, one must consider 3 components: cue, routine and reward. If every time someone is stressed (cue) they reach for something sweet (reward) to make themselves feel better, this becomes a routine and therefore a habit.

Typically, when one removes the sweets, for example, another reward will simply take its place. Without understanding the root cause of a stressor, changing the reward will not break the cycle. Tracking down the cause, creating and practicing a new routine and finding a healthy reward is a more effective way to break the cycle of a bad habit.

The study of martial arts excels at breaking down and understanding habits. What if an attack/stressor ‘X’ comes into one’s space? We study the cue (stressor, attack, verbal assault), we come up with an effective routine (de-escalate, evade, block, intelligent retort) and we provide the most addicting award that actually burns calories - the feeling of satisfaction moving through the body, engaging the mind and successfully problem solving at a high rate of speed. This is the type of instant gratification I can endorse.

When we deal with the reality of a habit, we have a better handle on how it can affect us over the long term. Allowing the stress to build up and ignoring the ‘cue’ that continues a bad habit can be unhealthy. Imagine what would happened over a decade of one’s life filled with eating sweets as the only answer to reducing stress.

Don’t stress yourself out this New Year by putting more unrealistic demands on your plate. Take the time to become aware of your habits; take the time to organize them by separating the bad from the good; take the time to discipline yourself to remove the bad ones. In the end, you might find greater relief in just lightening your load.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Overcoming Overindulgence

One Christmas, a close friend and his wife purchased the newest Wii for their 8 year old son. As an adopted uncle, I frequented their house enough to be a part of some great family moments and this was one of them. It was a family learning to deal with addiction.

Given that their son had a full week and a half free from school and a new Wii console, you could imagine the amount of time spent in front of the TV. Ordinarily he was a voracious reader, but now he had a taste for pixel pie.

After a few days my friends noticed his inability to turn off the Wii without having a temper tantrum. A monster was growing inside their child. An addiction was being born right before their eyes. Being astute, open and honest parents, they recognized their folly of allowing too much game time too fast all in a compressed period of time. They rallied and came up with a plan.

First, they apologized to their son and explained to him what they saw happening to him. He was restless if he wasn’t playing, exhausted after playing, not sleeping well, ignoring other gifts, toys and books that he ordinarily would have enjoyed. Lastly, he was not going outside to enjoy other activities that he had an interest in like skiing, building snowmen or having a snowball fight with his friends.

Second, they shared their plan as to how they would wean him off playing video games as often, because he was going back to school in a few days. He would get thirty minutes of media time (computer, TV or Wii) everyday after school and an hour on Saturday and Sunday. They used a timer right on top of the TV and it sounded a tone for everyone to hear when media time was over.

Lastly, they gave him an opportunity to negotiate and earn more media time as he hit certain milestones. Consistency in homework completion, consistency of good grades, consistency in completing chores, consistency in a good attitude and consistency of showing he had control over work time versus play time.

Less than a year after this episode, my friend confessed to me a prideful moment in his son’s development. He said, “the other day he came up to me as if he were a lawyer ready to present a case. He requested that his mother and I sit down and hear him out about his media time. When we gathered after dinner for ‘the meeting’, he requested an extra 30 minutes of media time due to his consistency in grades, behavior, homework, etc. We countered with 5 more minutes of media time and then he countered with 15 minutes. We were so proud of his argument and follow through that we gave him the full extra 30 minutes on weekends provided he was not playing a sport.”

It was an amazing time for me to watch how organized, open and honest they were with their son and it left quite an impression on me, even 5 years later. Imagine the pride they must have felt watching their child develop into a disciplined, logical negotiator after being a temper tantrum-filled, addicted 8 year old. Children can, will and do respond to proper and balanced guidance in some of the toughest of circumstances when given the chance.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

The Perception Puzzle

They say perception is everything, but what makes up our perceptions? Experiences, ideas, surroundings, family, friends, co-workers, height, weight, intelligence, etc all contribute to our perceptions. Some of what we perceive we’re aware of, like a fly darting towards our eye, while other perceptions are subconscious. Regardless, all perceptions shape who we are and who we will become.

Not only do our perceptions shape who we are, but who we are shapes our perceptions. For example, I have a student who stands six feet six inches while I’m five feet six inches and needless to say our ‘perceptions’ are quite obviously different. He wants to find a better way to take my head off and I want to find a better way to ‘chop him down to size.’ He looks at the world from the top down and I look at it from the bottom up. We both see things differently.

In martial arts, when we learn self-defense movements against a partner, we need to be able to adapt to each other’s body types. Working with someone who has a similar body type and mindset tends to be a bit easier, but real conflict rarely comes customized. The more varied the people we work with, the more our perceptions are shifted and the better we are at dealing with the unexpected.

Understanding a situation from multiple angles also gives us more options in life. Whether a conflict is with a co-worker, a family member or a stranger, being able to perceive a situation from another’s point of view can often help us de-escalate a situation.

Many years ago I was coming to a stop at a red light on my way to see a movie with a friend. A man approximately 20 years my senior was unhappy with my speed, crossed the double line, cut me off, came to a halt and got out of his high end Mercedes Benz just as I came to a stop.

He was well dressed and walked towards my driver side window without saying a word. I knew he was angry, but I knew his anger could not have been with me, so I rolled down my window and pointed out the obvious to a man who was obviously smart enough and successful enough to recognize such.

I said, “Sir, would you like me to get out of the car and have an altercation with you at a red light at 9PM on a Saturday night?” Wordless, he turned around and walked to his car and drove away at the green light. I never even unbuckled my seatbelt.

Although I could not have articulated what transpired in real time, upon reflection, this is how I perceived my mind making the decision to engage the man verbally. First, I recognized that he was not an immediate physical threat as much as he was angry, wanted to vent and I was his convenient excuse. We’ve all been there. Second, I recognized that he was well dressed and seemed more interested in berating a younger man over going to fisticuffs. Lastly, for a man in a rush, a fight and potential police presence wasn’t going to get him to his destination any faster.

What does that have to do with perception? When we perceive, we’re not only using our five physical senses, we are also using our intuition. Our intuition is capable of leaping to conclusions without conscious thought. Often times it is our previous perceptions and understandings that help guide these intuitions.

Could this have gone wrong? Absolutely, but this story highlights the positives of having a clear head and perceiving a situation for what it is and how it can be resolved rather than being resolved to deal with the situation as someone else dictated.

One of the most powerful early lessons in the study of martial arts is learning to attack targets on our own body reflected in a mirror. Knowing what can be attacked teaches us what we need to defend. Perceiving our vulnerabilities in an honest manner helps to illuminate another’s. When our perceptions are clear and accurate, we see more of life’s opportunities and can take better advantage of them.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Addicted to Habits

We all have habits. From a martial arts perspective, I believe habits come from our need to survive. One way habits do this is by making us more efficient. Set routines eventually form habits that don’t require forethought and thereby allow us to conserve energy and better prioritize its use. These patterns are so habitual that sometimes we create them without even realizing it.

We are social creatures who are unavoidably affected by our circle of influences. As babies, we learn by mimicking or modeling the behavior of others. As we grow older we continue to mimic the habits of our friends and family without judgement. Often, it isn’t until adulthood that we recognize the value of these borrowed behaviors. 

If we want to get the best out of our habits, we need to make sure they are impacting us in a positive way. When teaching martial arts, my habit of choice is known as kata, or pre-arranged movement sets.

In kata training we learn to organize our body’s movements into a pattern. Adhering to a pattern of movement creates awareness and discipline within the body and mind. Kata training also highlights previous habits of thought and movement.

By becoming more attuned to how accurately or inaccurately we can move our body, we reunite the the body with the mind. Clear communication between the two makes us more aware of our habits and therefore we choose them with more discretion.

A good practice is to go through your day trying to become aware of which behaviors you engage in on a routine basis. This may be difficult at first, but as your awareness grows, take the time to discover which habits are beneficial to you, which negatively impact you, and which are superfluous. For example, a habit of my own is the use of the phrase ‘no worries’. Since it doesn’t impact me negatively or positively, we can label it superfluous.

Going a step further, consider the origins of some of your habits. For instance, when I picked up the above phrase, it was 22 years ago at a Rutgers University lacrosse camp. I befriended an Australian teammate, and although I only knew him for a summer, I’ve been using the phrase ‘no worries’ ever since. The type of critical self-inquiry required by this exercise takes time and patience, but eventually it will become just another habit.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

Giving Thanks

This Thanksgiving I’d like to take a moment to thank the men and women in uniform who voluntarily step up to protect us here and abroad. All of the men and women I know that serve as police, fire, EMS and military are glad to do their job and see it as an honor and a duty to protect and serve us all.

We often see the best and worst moments of their often thankless jobs splayed across the media airwaves, but what we don’t see are those moments when they change the lives of many on a daily basis.

What we don’t celebrate daily are the crimes that don’t get committed due to the dedicated men and women who patrol our streets. We sleep easier because patrolmen and women are up all night. Remember this the next time you or someone you know gets pulled over.

What we don’t celebrate daily are the fires that don’t turn into deadly infernos destroying lives and property. We rest easier because the firefighters are ready to mobilize day and night. Remember this the next time you’re waving a dishcloth under your smoke detector.

What we don’t celebrate daily are the lives that are saved by our highly trained EMS squads. We rest easier knowing these men and women are there for us and our loved ones. Remember this the next time you’re pulling over to let an ambulance go by.

What we don’t celebrate daily are the men and women abroad who sacrifice time with their families to help save the lives of other families in a foreign land and culture. We rest easier knowing these brave men and women keep terror at bay so we may have peace on our piece of Earth. Remember this the next time you see a service member.

Although there are times in our jobs where a person’s attitude or behavior may rub us the wrong way, typically we are not responsible for their safety. When a cop, fireman, paramedic or soldier encounters difficult people, their job is to keep even the most ornery of us safe from ourselves and others, and yet still maintain their own personal safety. That’s a lot of responsibility that we don’t get to see on the 6 o’clock news.

So if you know someone who serves in this capacity, thank them this holiday season and while you’re at it, thank everyone else around you, because chances are they’ve all had some input on who you are today.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!

The Immediate Gratification Trap

Life is a journey, not a destination  --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Immediate gratification is one of those guilty pleasures that many engage in, but almost everyone despises. In its best form, immediate gratification is a warm smile, a seat given up by a stranger or a big hug from a close friend or family member before you knew you even needed it. In its worst form, it's teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse or senseless violence.

According to a study written by Cornell University and University of California, Berkeley entitled The Economics of Immediate Gratification:

People have self-control problems: We pursue immediate gratification in a way that we ourselves do not appreciate in the long run.

Immediate gratification is like the trashy magazine or candy bar at the check-out counter. No one sees you parading ‘it’ around, you just grab it, pay for it and slip it into your grocery bag, purse or pocket. It’s so fast that it’s almost like it didn’t happen.

It is no surprise that trashy magazines and junk food are named this way and are placed that way. Marketing experts know exactly the role that self-control plays in purchasing decisions. If you think the supermarket does a great job, look at society’s media complex.

Almost anything worth accomplishing can be mastered in just 4 hours a day. Six-pack abs? Even less time per day. Healthy food? Grab a 12 oz can of veggie-fruit-juice or make that 4 hour energy drink even more efficient and let it wash down all your vitamins by just popping one pill.

Today, social attitudes suggest that any wanton desire should be accomplished ‘right now’.  In such a scenario we’d never be able to sate the current desire before the next one demanded our attention. The beast of ‘now’ is insatiable.

And what are we rushing towards in each of these moments? Completion. Now I understand the speed of completion when it comes to dirty laundry and dirty dishes, but the irony is many of us procrastinate on things we need to do and replace it with distractions that we want to do.

Placing too much energy into immediately gratifying distractions robs us of the energy needed for important tasks that take effort and concentration. In addition, it robs us of the opportunity it takes to build real character.

Meanwhile, technology is supposed to help us organize and leverage our productivity. But if the number of ‘Candy Crush’ invites is any indication, I’d say it often dilutes productivity.

Technology can also warp our sense of time as well as our sense of knowledge. The speed of technology gives us a dangerous cocktail of a) the illusion of more time and b) the real access to more amazing things to distract us ‘right now!’

Because technology is developing faster than human genetics, people frequently allow themselves to be dragged into ‘keeping up’ with the demands of technology rather than taking control of it. Social media, infotainment and the latest scandal fill our seemingly bottomless brains, but what does all of that mental junk food do for us?

Mainly, it shows how ‘blessed’, how awesome, and how much of an outlier everyone else has become. This last example is the most important. When the average person, who puts little effort into an experience, thinks they are capable of accomplishing the extraordinary in a short period of time, they cheapen the extraordinary. And when they don’t achieve instant results, they rarely challenge the method and simply move on to the ‘next best thing’.

Eventually, they claim the extraordinary is too easy or beneath them to even try. In young children it can become about taking and getting rather than earning or deserving. If this happens on a mass scale, we may suddenly find ourselves living in an environment totally devoid of the extraordinary.

In order to establish long-term success, long-term relationships and deeply gratifying lives, we need to develop and maintain good habits. Hard work, perseverance and patience are more likely to pave the road towards extraordinary achievement.

Visit us at www.whitetigerdojo.com, on FB & G+!!