Aggressively Inarticulate

For the last couple of years I’ve been showing some of my students and parents this YouTube video of Taylor Mali. Taylor Mali is a poet, teacher, voice actor and more generally, an observer of the human condition.

One of his best observations is the slow death of the declarative sentence. Not only have I seen this type of vocalization ‘in the wild’ of my classes, but I find this trend of verbalization to be detrimental to one’s self-confidence.

In case you can’t click on the link to listen to Mali vocalize Totally like whatever, you know?, then let me give you some highlights:

...Invisible question marks and parenthetical (you know?)’s
have been attaching themselves to the ends of our sentences?
Even when those sentences aren’t, like, questions? You know?

...Declarative sentences—so-­‐called
because they used to, like, DECLARE things to be true, okay...

...I have nothing personally invested in my own opinions, okay?
I’m just inviting you to join me in my uncertainty?

...I entreat you, I implore you, I exhort you,
I challenge you: To speak with conviction.

To say what you believe in a manner that bespeaks
the determination with which you believe it.
Because contrary to the wisdom of the bumper sticker,
it is not enough these days to simply QUESTION AUTHORITY.
You have to speak with it, too.

So what does language have to do with self-defense? For one, when used properly, the voice is a powerful tool to control distance, and to express our intent. It can project authority and even put fear in the minds of some of its recipients. Think of a bark, a growl, the roar of a lion or a drill instructor.

As regular readers know, I run my school/dojo on three main principles: discipline, awareness and organization. Only when one is aware of a stranger, can one begin to discover the intent of a stranger. Once the intent of a stranger is discovered, then one can vocalize their own intent and concerns.

When someone adopts a verbal posturing akin to Mali’s poem, they are seen as pushovers. Needs are not met accurately, timely or consistently by being passive aggressive, mealymouthed or interrogative.
If a child feels meek, sounds meek and looks meek, then he will not feel like he is worth protecting. If the child feels as if his will and position in life is always at question then he can only be affirmed positively or negatively by others and never by himself.

It is important for children to learn to speak clearly and firmly as early as possible. Claiming space with their voice and posture not only shows others where they stand, but it makes them feel like they are worth standing up for.

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Automa-Teen

I read this article a few weeks back, and my heart went out to the author and her fellow classmates. Given that the average child is safer, smarter and more savvy than previous generations, how is it that any child can write the following of her educational experience?

We are not teenagers. We are lifeless bodies in a system that breeds competition, hatred, and discourages teamwork and genuine learning. We lack sincere passion. We are sick.

We, as a community, have completely lost sight of what it means to learn and receive an education.

Why is that not getting through to this community? Why does this insanity that is our school district continue?

…...Now that I'm nearing the end of my academic career in Palo Alto, I'd like to nostalgically look back and remember how much fun I had growing up, learning, and being a teenager in our city.

I'm sorry to say I won't be able to do that even in the slightest degree.

We lack sincere passion? We are sick? This is the youth of our country and they feel sick and passionless before the age of 18?

First off, I must commend this young woman for being aware enough to understand what is happening to her and her fellow students; disciplined enough to make a clear and cogent case for these issues; and organized enough to push her concerns onto the national table of discussion.

Second, I have to wonder where the adults of her community stand. If they are aware of such sentiments, then what do they intend to do about them? Do they even think the sentiment is valid?

Panning back onto the national stage, have the adults of our nation become so paranoid about their own fiscal lives that they are willing to sacrifice their children’s childhoods by maintaining an educational gristmill that is slowly becoming nothing more than an intellectual sweatshop? Have the adults of our nation exhausted all other answers?

What would Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Larry Ellison, Michael Dell, Steve Jobs, Henry Ford or Walt Disney think of the state of education now? Better yet, if you have some time, take a look at what Sir Ken Robinson thinks about the state of education.

Those who are regular readers of my column know that I’m all for experiencing struggle andfailure, and that I can’t condone taking the easy way out. However, I wonder, when did the educational system become such a Kobayashi Maru?

Personally, I had a great educational experience right up through college. Sure I went through awkward stages such as acne, body image, braces, glasses and 80’s haircuts, but I still had time to enjoy football, lacrosse, karate, socializing, homework and still get to bed by 10 o’clock at night.

Was it stressful at times? Sure, but nothing was so awful that I look back at my younger years with disdain. I also cannot recall anything noteworthy enough to make me feel that my educational experience was so easy that I didn’t feel prepared for the rigors of life.

Then there are the issues involving sleep, diet and exercise that affect everyone. What happens when lack of sleep, poor diet, extreme stress and less time for positive outlets are combined with poor lifestyle choices having to do with with sex, drugs and alcohol? When our basic needs are disrupted, it is more difficult for any of us to make positive lifestyle choices, and more likely that we will succumb to depression and suicidal thoughts.

For the sake of all children, I would suggest we take a harder look at the balancing act between education and the childhood experience. I don’t think anyone reading the above would want to feel like this student, nor would we want to read this coming from any of our own children.

I’d like to believe that this article, from Palo Alto, will become a battle cry that causes the trenches to be dug deep enough and wide enough that we don't have to ever read here on TAP that local students feel the same way. If we are concerned enough to wrap our children up in all the latest safety gear for the physical risks they take on the athletic field, then we should also be willing to take a hard look at mitigating the mental health risks that children face on the academic field as well.

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The Richness of the Mundane

There is richness in the mundane that will never be discovered if we cover it up with extravagance.

A few years ago, a friend of mine was relating a conversation he had with his teenage daughter. She asked her father what he thought would be a good career for her. In somewhat of a tongue-in-cheek answer that smacked of a harsh reality, he replied, “If you want to live like we do in this town, then you’re going to have to become an investment banker.”

By no means does my friend live an extravagant lifestyle, but he is a successful realist that values his tight knit family and friends dearly. The most important lesson I received from this story was the following: what does the child, who enjoys all the spices of life, strive for during their years of independence?

Just this past week I was talking to another friend, who happened to be in on the aforementioned conversation. He was discussing how expensive NJ has become and how he’s glad his children (I’m the godfather to his son) don’t recognize the dollar value of certain vacations. They just love going away as a family, whether it is a weekend down to see friends in Delaware or all the way to the Philippines where his wife’s family is from.

That’s when our friend’s story about his teenage daughter hit us. What if all of the hard work and all of the guilty feelings of being away from one’s children turn into a trap of compensation?

Feeling the need to fill that void of guilt with more extravagance than a child is capable of appreciating or imagining. Children are not born knowing the difference between something extravagant versus something mundane. The more ubiquitous the extravagance, the more it is expected. Meanwhile, everything else becomes subpar.

This leaves children with the real world struggle of either never being able to replicate their childhood experience or finding their childhood to be such a fantasy that it ruins their taste for everyday living.

As my mentor would caution me, “You don’t feed lobster to a baby,” when he saw students cajoling us to give them more information than they could chew in one class. “Less is more,” he’d follow up with, as he explained that without a strong foundation, it will not matter how intricate and beautiful the ornament adorned upon a roof if it crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure.

May we all have children that find joy in the mundane and a foundation of happiness from which they can spring towards greater heights of their own choosing.

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Altar Of Scrutiny

“I'm worried that students will take their obedient place in society and look to become successful cogs in the wheel - let the wheel spin them around as it wants without taking a look at what they're doing.
--Howard Zinn

I’m big on asking the question ‘why’. How we do things is efficient, but knowing ‘why’ we do things can really help a habit, method, or technique take root.

When I was a student, knowing the reason ‘why’ I did something helped me anchor my newly acquired knowledge. When I began teaching, I found that answering other people’s ‘why’ helped me to expand my knowledge even further.

My knowledge base is who I am and how I make my living. In order to keep myself sharp, I must lay my craft upon the altar of scrutiny or complacency will take over like rigor mortis.

Although I teach an art that is steeped in the tradition of control, discipline and respect, it would be irresponsible for me to use those three attributes as a way to control the conversation.

Every student has their own unique learning style and interests for studying the martial arts. As my students have often heard me say, “I teach you all the same way--differently.”

Besides, if no one challenges the system they are given, then the system fails in the same way the individual will fail--through stagnation and erosion of purpose.

Plus, what would happen if everyone just obeyed? At best I’d be using a quill and ink by candle light right now, the world would be flat and our country, as we know it, probably wouldn’t exist.

Not encouraging my students to question me can be dangerous. When someone presumes all authority figures should be trusted without checking in with their own logic and experience, then they become perfect automatons that are easily manipulated.

This is just what the usurper, con man or criminal wants--someone who goes with the flow when a ‘command’ voice is used. “Come with me and I won’t hurt you.” If someone trusts a stranger enough to follow them after they make that kind of threat, then I have an altar of scrutiny to sell them.

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The Masks Of Approval

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing” ~Aristotle

In our pursuit of happiness, it is natural to seek approval. From our earliest days we would look up towards our parents for an approving face as we scooted across the floor on our hands and knees. Very little changes as we pass through school, enter the workforce and build long lasting relationships. Every step of the way a different ‘mask’ of approval is worn.

I would imagine that when people think of a mask, they tend to think of someone being two-faced. When someone close to us is two-faced it can really challenge or end the relationship. Why would someone give two different messages? Which message is the ‘right’ one? Which ‘face’ should I trust? Should I trust this person anymore?

All of these are valid questions and concerns, but another question worth asking is what is the fear that is driving the mask-wearer? I believe this fear is tied to approval and happiness.

If we look at young children, some may begin lying once they realize that telling the truth will bring disapproval and unhappiness. Sometimes they even lie about good things because of the manner in which the question is asked. Why would adults be any different?

It’s impossible to have relationships devoid of unhappiness or disapproval. Rather than allowing the moment of unhappiness or disapproval to pass naturally, however, the tendency is to place a mask upon the face and let a little white lie slip out.

“Sorry, I can’t get together with you this weekend, my wife/husband has me doing chores all weekend long.” You can imagine what your friends may begin to think of your spouse when they hear that excuse too often. “Sorry, I can’t get together this weekend, I really want to spend time with the family” is honest, but it now prioritizes your family over your friends. Oh the humanity! If your friends don’t understand that, then are they really your friends?

Perpetuating this culture of donning a mask ‘protects’ us from being a part of disapproval or unhappiness, but is anyone truly happy about having to hide behind a mask in front of friends, family or co-workers? When we don’t tell the truth and instead try not to visit disapproval, disappointment or unhappiness upon ourselves or others, the web simply grows and so does our collection of masks.

Imagine if a person could track down every mask they ever wore in front of someone. What would that person look like? Would the person match their mask/s? Would it fit a Facebook profile? Resume? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is rip the mask off. But removing the mask can be freeing, because there is no need to remember which mask goes with which outfit, circumstance, group or person. There’s less to remember, less time backpedaling and more time for happiness, shared through genuine relationships that accept you on your good days and your bad.

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Let Go Often

The three words I use to guide my martial arts program are discipline, awareness and organization. Perhaps I should use the word ‘self’ as a prefix to those attributes, but it doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well. That said, when someone embodies the aforementioned attributes, they do become self-actualized. This is what I want for all of my students.

Training someone to become self-actualized takes time, discipline, awareness and organization. It is much like building a house of cards. At first, it takes your hands to hold the cards in place until there is the right amount of friction and force keeping the cards together, but then you have to be able to let go.

Sometimes you are rewarded when you let go, and the cards stay up all by themselves. Sometimes the cards fall, and the ‘builder’ learns the never-ending lesson that one can never have enough patience or self-discipline. A student or child may know of the destination you have in store for them, but they rarely know how the journey will unfold.

Once the student and teacher/parent have success building a foundation of trust, it is time to repeat the process, except this time it needs to be a bit more difficult. It needs to challenge the foundation just enough to get the foundation to settle permanently. A new layer must be laid upon the previous.

The success of the foundation and second layers will be challenged. If all goes well, then you collectively share in the joy of success. Another lesson learned. If all or part crumbles, then you may share in the collective disappointment of failure. This is where a lesson of patience and perseverance is learned and/or reinforced by both parties. This is where letting go will reveal self-actualization and determination or not.

If the hands remain on the cards forever, then there is no opportunity for freedom and growth. There is no chance for self-actualization, no chance of ever knowing how strong the foundation actually is. However, if the hands are slowly removed, with the indentations of the cards still fresh on the fingertips, one begins to see the wonder and dreams possible as self-actualization takes root.

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Through The Looking Glass

When I’m teaching kids, my active focus is on teaching them how to learn self-control through the art of self-protection. My passive focus is on providing an opportunity for parents to see how their kids interact and learn in a group environment while watching through a one-way mirror. It is not often that parents get to observe their children from behind the scenes.

Although the children might know you are in the other room, they quickly become engrossed in their new environment: a long wall of mirrors in front of them and a padded floor beneath their bare feet, which is great for coordinated, agile bodies as well as clumsy and inefficient ones. Now that their awareness is on me and/or their training partner, it’s showtime for the parents.

Comedy, tragedy, perseverance, joy and sometimes all the aforementioned rolled into one can be seen in any moment. However, for possibly the first time, a parent gets to see how their child behaves when they believe their parent might not be there. Most of the time it’s a pleasant surprise.

A child that normally doesn’t talk becomes animated. A child that normally can’t sit still is filled with focus in a static posture. A child that typically cries in the face of something new, difficult and frustrating becomes a child full of grim determination. There is no giving up in my dojo. Where there is will between a student and I, there is a way.

Best of all, parents get to see what their child will do in the face of an uncertain outcome while they try to problem solve real life issues in real time. Can you watch your son struggle through a math test at school? Can you stand in the middle of your daughter’s soccer field and see how she navigates a soccer ball through a couple of defenders?

Even from the sidelines, it is often hard to see what they may or may not be thinking or feeling, but ten feet away, through the looking glass, you can see the wheels turning. You can see the fire of creative determination burning.

Eventually, you begin to see the results of greater self-control and confidence in your children: a straightening of their posture and strengthening of their limbs. They become more aware of themselves and their surroundings, more disciplined about their behavior and how they spend their time with the people around them. They become more organized and intelligent in using their body and mind to solve real world problems. Eventually, you’ll never need to look through that looking glass again, because they will have achieved the autonomy you’ve always wanted for them.

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