The Richness of the Mundane

There is richness in the mundane that will never be discovered if we cover it up with extravagance.

A few years ago, a friend of mine was relating a conversation he had with his teenage daughter. She asked her father what he thought would be a good career for her. In somewhat of a tongue-in-cheek answer that smacked of a harsh reality, he replied, “If you want to live like we do in this town, then you’re going to have to become an investment banker.”

By no means does my friend live an extravagant lifestyle, but he is a successful realist that values his tight knit family and friends dearly. The most important lesson I received from this story was the following: what does the child, who enjoys all the spices of life, strive for during their years of independence?

Just this past week I was talking to another friend, who happened to be in on the aforementioned conversation. He was discussing how expensive NJ has become and how he’s glad his children (I’m the godfather to his son) don’t recognize the dollar value of certain vacations. They just love going away as a family, whether it is a weekend down to see friends in Delaware or all the way to the Philippines where his wife’s family is from.

That’s when our friend’s story about his teenage daughter hit us. What if all of the hard work and all of the guilty feelings of being away from one’s children turn into a trap of compensation?

Feeling the need to fill that void of guilt with more extravagance than a child is capable of appreciating or imagining. Children are not born knowing the difference between something extravagant versus something mundane. The more ubiquitous the extravagance, the more it is expected. Meanwhile, everything else becomes subpar.

This leaves children with the real world struggle of either never being able to replicate their childhood experience or finding their childhood to be such a fantasy that it ruins their taste for everyday living.

As my mentor would caution me, “You don’t feed lobster to a baby,” when he saw students cajoling us to give them more information than they could chew in one class. “Less is more,” he’d follow up with, as he explained that without a strong foundation, it will not matter how intricate and beautiful the ornament adorned upon a roof if it crumbles under the slightest bit of pressure.

May we all have children that find joy in the mundane and a foundation of happiness from which they can spring towards greater heights of their own choosing.

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Altar Of Scrutiny

“I'm worried that students will take their obedient place in society and look to become successful cogs in the wheel - let the wheel spin them around as it wants without taking a look at what they're doing.
--Howard Zinn

I’m big on asking the question ‘why’. How we do things is efficient, but knowing ‘why’ we do things can really help a habit, method, or technique take root.

When I was a student, knowing the reason ‘why’ I did something helped me anchor my newly acquired knowledge. When I began teaching, I found that answering other people’s ‘why’ helped me to expand my knowledge even further.

My knowledge base is who I am and how I make my living. In order to keep myself sharp, I must lay my craft upon the altar of scrutiny or complacency will take over like rigor mortis.

Although I teach an art that is steeped in the tradition of control, discipline and respect, it would be irresponsible for me to use those three attributes as a way to control the conversation.

Every student has their own unique learning style and interests for studying the martial arts. As my students have often heard me say, “I teach you all the same way--differently.”

Besides, if no one challenges the system they are given, then the system fails in the same way the individual will fail--through stagnation and erosion of purpose.

Plus, what would happen if everyone just obeyed? At best I’d be using a quill and ink by candle light right now, the world would be flat and our country, as we know it, probably wouldn’t exist.

Not encouraging my students to question me can be dangerous. When someone presumes all authority figures should be trusted without checking in with their own logic and experience, then they become perfect automatons that are easily manipulated.

This is just what the usurper, con man or criminal wants--someone who goes with the flow when a ‘command’ voice is used. “Come with me and I won’t hurt you.” If someone trusts a stranger enough to follow them after they make that kind of threat, then I have an altar of scrutiny to sell them.

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The Masks Of Approval

“Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing” ~Aristotle

In our pursuit of happiness, it is natural to seek approval. From our earliest days we would look up towards our parents for an approving face as we scooted across the floor on our hands and knees. Very little changes as we pass through school, enter the workforce and build long lasting relationships. Every step of the way a different ‘mask’ of approval is worn.

I would imagine that when people think of a mask, they tend to think of someone being two-faced. When someone close to us is two-faced it can really challenge or end the relationship. Why would someone give two different messages? Which message is the ‘right’ one? Which ‘face’ should I trust? Should I trust this person anymore?

All of these are valid questions and concerns, but another question worth asking is what is the fear that is driving the mask-wearer? I believe this fear is tied to approval and happiness.

If we look at young children, some may begin lying once they realize that telling the truth will bring disapproval and unhappiness. Sometimes they even lie about good things because of the manner in which the question is asked. Why would adults be any different?

It’s impossible to have relationships devoid of unhappiness or disapproval. Rather than allowing the moment of unhappiness or disapproval to pass naturally, however, the tendency is to place a mask upon the face and let a little white lie slip out.

“Sorry, I can’t get together with you this weekend, my wife/husband has me doing chores all weekend long.” You can imagine what your friends may begin to think of your spouse when they hear that excuse too often. “Sorry, I can’t get together this weekend, I really want to spend time with the family” is honest, but it now prioritizes your family over your friends. Oh the humanity! If your friends don’t understand that, then are they really your friends?

Perpetuating this culture of donning a mask ‘protects’ us from being a part of disapproval or unhappiness, but is anyone truly happy about having to hide behind a mask in front of friends, family or co-workers? When we don’t tell the truth and instead try not to visit disapproval, disappointment or unhappiness upon ourselves or others, the web simply grows and so does our collection of masks.

Imagine if a person could track down every mask they ever wore in front of someone. What would that person look like? Would the person match their mask/s? Would it fit a Facebook profile? Resume? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is rip the mask off. But removing the mask can be freeing, because there is no need to remember which mask goes with which outfit, circumstance, group or person. There’s less to remember, less time backpedaling and more time for happiness, shared through genuine relationships that accept you on your good days and your bad.

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Let Go Often

The three words I use to guide my martial arts program are discipline, awareness and organization. Perhaps I should use the word ‘self’ as a prefix to those attributes, but it doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well. That said, when someone embodies the aforementioned attributes, they do become self-actualized. This is what I want for all of my students.

Training someone to become self-actualized takes time, discipline, awareness and organization. It is much like building a house of cards. At first, it takes your hands to hold the cards in place until there is the right amount of friction and force keeping the cards together, but then you have to be able to let go.

Sometimes you are rewarded when you let go, and the cards stay up all by themselves. Sometimes the cards fall, and the ‘builder’ learns the never-ending lesson that one can never have enough patience or self-discipline. A student or child may know of the destination you have in store for them, but they rarely know how the journey will unfold.

Once the student and teacher/parent have success building a foundation of trust, it is time to repeat the process, except this time it needs to be a bit more difficult. It needs to challenge the foundation just enough to get the foundation to settle permanently. A new layer must be laid upon the previous.

The success of the foundation and second layers will be challenged. If all goes well, then you collectively share in the joy of success. Another lesson learned. If all or part crumbles, then you may share in the collective disappointment of failure. This is where a lesson of patience and perseverance is learned and/or reinforced by both parties. This is where letting go will reveal self-actualization and determination or not.

If the hands remain on the cards forever, then there is no opportunity for freedom and growth. There is no chance for self-actualization, no chance of ever knowing how strong the foundation actually is. However, if the hands are slowly removed, with the indentations of the cards still fresh on the fingertips, one begins to see the wonder and dreams possible as self-actualization takes root.

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Through The Looking Glass

When I’m teaching kids, my active focus is on teaching them how to learn self-control through the art of self-protection. My passive focus is on providing an opportunity for parents to see how their kids interact and learn in a group environment while watching through a one-way mirror. It is not often that parents get to observe their children from behind the scenes.

Although the children might know you are in the other room, they quickly become engrossed in their new environment: a long wall of mirrors in front of them and a padded floor beneath their bare feet, which is great for coordinated, agile bodies as well as clumsy and inefficient ones. Now that their awareness is on me and/or their training partner, it’s showtime for the parents.

Comedy, tragedy, perseverance, joy and sometimes all the aforementioned rolled into one can be seen in any moment. However, for possibly the first time, a parent gets to see how their child behaves when they believe their parent might not be there. Most of the time it’s a pleasant surprise.

A child that normally doesn’t talk becomes animated. A child that normally can’t sit still is filled with focus in a static posture. A child that typically cries in the face of something new, difficult and frustrating becomes a child full of grim determination. There is no giving up in my dojo. Where there is will between a student and I, there is a way.

Best of all, parents get to see what their child will do in the face of an uncertain outcome while they try to problem solve real life issues in real time. Can you watch your son struggle through a math test at school? Can you stand in the middle of your daughter’s soccer field and see how she navigates a soccer ball through a couple of defenders?

Even from the sidelines, it is often hard to see what they may or may not be thinking or feeling, but ten feet away, through the looking glass, you can see the wheels turning. You can see the fire of creative determination burning.

Eventually, you begin to see the results of greater self-control and confidence in your children: a straightening of their posture and strengthening of their limbs. They become more aware of themselves and their surroundings, more disciplined about their behavior and how they spend their time with the people around them. They become more organized and intelligent in using their body and mind to solve real world problems. Eventually, you’ll never need to look through that looking glass again, because they will have achieved the autonomy you’ve always wanted for them.

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Special

I don’t believe that I am owed anything in life because of some gift by design. It’s not that I’m overly tough or that I lack empathy for others, it’s just that I believe that everything someone is or becomes has to be earned. People aren’t born special, it is the effort they put into living that makes them special.

I do believe that we are all different and I think that this is what I see as ‘special’. I recall one day when two friends of mine were in the car with me and I experienced this moment of ‘different’ and ‘special’ all at once. Jeff was driving, I was in the passenger seat and Todd was in the back seat behind me. For whatever reason, we were looking at a large sign that was looming up on our right side.

Todd and I start laughing, because it was instinctively amusing to us, but we couldn’t quite read the full text. Jeff glanced over at the sign as he drove and started laughing too. Knowing how quick of a reader he was, we asked what it said. He explained, and then it dawned on me. How the hell did he read that while going 70 MPH with a single glance?

The text was at least 3 lines long on a large billboard and it wasn’t something simple like ‘Eat At Denny’s’. So I asked him, ‘Jeff, how could you read that in it’s exact detail after we passed the sign?’ His response was, ‘I took a picture.’ Mind. Blown.

When he explained how he saw his world, it was like I could read the code in the movie ‘The Matrix’. His mind is beautiful and it has changed how I’ve seen everyone else’s mind since that day.

What you don’t know is that at that point, I had known Jeff for over a decade, and I had never known how his mind worked until that day. It explained his brilliance in college and on Wall St. as well as how he was capable of helping everyone with anything they ever asked of him (he also had a huge heart to go with that big brain of his).

On the other side of the spectrum is one of my black belts’ sons who started class at the age of six. Having known Michael since he was born, it was nice to see him join my class, and I enjoyed watching his excitement for karate blossom.

His father, Sam, is a hard working successful businessman and really puts his full effort into everything, but his martial training did not come any easier to him than anyone else’s. Michael, however, was exceptional.

After Michael was tested for yellow belt, he received a booklet with a still set of pictures that showed a form that he would have to learn. There were only twelve movements of the form shown. The actual form was closer to 30 movements, but the movement of the footwork and handwork could not be seen, just the ‘stills’ that indicated the ‘endpoint’. Having received the booklet on a Thursday night, Michael was proficient at the whole movement set by the end of the weekend, without his father knowing. He had filled in the gaps.

So he’s diligent and hard working, right, no big deal; you’re bound to find someone like that along your teaching career. Well, I’ve got more to share. Typically, kids take a few months to learn this particular form and develop competence in it.  Michael learned that form in 3 days and could outperform anyone in the class regardless of rank and age. But then something even more amazing occurred.

Sam showed up to his weekly private lesson with me one day with a smirk on his face and said, ‘I have to tell you a story about Michael.’ He proceeded to tell me that Michael had found his black belt DVD, a video performance of all of Sam’s forms, sparring, etc. Michael had secretly learned a 70+ movement form all from watching his father’s DVD over the week. Michael had an amazing mind and body connection.

When a new student steps into the dojo (‘way place’ in Japanese, colloquially known as a school), I see an amazing opportunity to get to know another beautiful mind and kinetic body and help teach them how to work together. A mind and body that can do anything they put their collective effort into. Now that’s something special. I’m game if you are.

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Bribe Me Towards Success

I was watching a TED talk given by Carol Dweck, whose primary research is right up my alley: motivation, personality and development. Having read some books that highlight her research, I was glad to hear that she and I agree that rewarding ‘answers’ is not as effective as rewarding the process or the struggle of overcoming a challenge.

Dweck asks:

How are we raising our children?...Are we raising kids who don't know how to dream big dreams? Their biggest goal is getting the next A or the next test score? And are they carrying this need for constant validation with them into their future lives? Maybe, because employers are coming to me and saying, we have already raised a generation of young workers who can't get through the day without an award.

In a world terrified of failure and yet obsessed with instant gratification and fairness,giving a child a mindset which supports his actions towards a goal instead of rewarding the completed goal is quite refreshing.When someone is wholly engaged with the journey of learning, the act of learning becomes infectious.

Without this sense of engagement, and when the ‘answer’ or goal is the primary focus, cheating inevitably becomes part of the process. This is how we create a selfish and entitled group of people that know no consequences or limitations, because the ends will always justify the means.

Getting the right ‘answer’ should be about skill development, not just about getting the answer and moving on. This is why I rejoice at the sight of every student who isn’t afraid of failure and is willing to persevere through hard work and feel the satisfaction of a job well done. Pride can be an undernourished emotion.

On the other hand, give me a penny for every child who has more awards at age 12 than most of my generation at age 40 and I could pay off my mortgage. And what has this ‘over-awarding’ done to the parent/child or teacher/student relationship?

Children and students have become excellent at ‘blackmailing’. Want me to wash my face? brush my teeth? get my clothes on? make my bed? Bribe Me! Good behavior needs to be its own reward; the fabric of society doesn’t work without a certain level of trust.

When a child ‘earns’ a reward for doing the most basic things, it cheapens the reward and may also suggest that life is less meaningful without rewards - why find your own enjoyment in life, when there’s always a cookie calling your name?

When children don’t move forward of their own initiative, they become adults who require constant monitoring, like an Ivy League grad at a small retail brokerage firm where my friend is a strategist:

One day, this young Ivy League employee was asked to interrupt his regular duties and jump on a project that needed to be done by lunch. As soon as he finished this task, he was found surfing the internet. When his superior asked him “why”, he responded, “I was done with that project, so I was waiting for someone to tell what to do next.” Now go back and read the first sentence of this paragraph in case you missed ‘the rub’.

Re-educating someone into accepting the satisfaction of a job well done isn’t always easy, but with baby steps, it can be accomplished. On the individual level, I find it best for someone to learn how to surpass their own previous performances. Once a student learns to correctly repeat a given skill, I want to see how many repetitions they can do correctly, how many they can do under a certain time frame or with distractions.

When a student succeeds at pushing past their previous efforts, the reward comes from two places. Firstly, my approval in the form of a smile, exclamation, handshake or high-five, and the second reward is something students need to learn to furnish themselves. The feeling of pride and self-confidence in the way of a smile back to me, a jump, etc. Being affirmed by your elders or mentors should trump any trinket.

As usual, the change has to come from the top - the adults.  After all, we are the role models that help children internalize their lessons, but not when we overemphasize external rewards. An internal system of rewards can be accessed infinitely, thereby fostering an “I can do anything I put effort into” attitude. A generation raised this way would be a generation worthwhile being governed by.

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