In With The New Year and Out With The Bad Habits

Every year, billions of people swear they’re going to make some changes this time. Typically, these resolutions are in regards to wealth, health and happiness, but why wait until January 1st and forget about it by January 31st? Good habits can happen anytime, but they come neither easily nor quickly.

I wrote two columns a few weeks back on habits and perception which highlighted the issue that people are not always cognizant of either. When people aren’t aware of the ‘how and why’ of their habits and perceptions, they can often find themselves in places with no recollection as to how they got there.

Habits are subject to perceptions and perceptions are subject to previous habits. The two form a cycle from which neither can be removed. You can see the conundrum here. How does one know which habits they’ve chosen versus which habits they’ve imposed upon themselves unknowingly?

Since habits can be good and bad, it is as important to accumulate good habits as it is to eliminate bad habits. Practicing first the discipline of honest awareness and observation of one’s current habits is probably a better way to start off the New Year than reaching for goals that are foundationless.

Taking the time to discover what habits are impeding one’s life and developing a plan for removing them is as important as adding new resolutions. It’s also possible that removing some bad habits is better than covering them up with good intentions. Either way, patience is needed with these changes.

It takes time and effort to observe, distinguish, eliminate and/or add habits. Although popular wisdom states that it takes ‘21 days to make a habit and 7 days to break it’, popular wisdom is often just that-popular. According to a study on habits, it takes an average of 66 days.

When analyzing one’s habits, one must consider 3 components: cue, routine and reward. If every time someone is stressed (cue) they reach for something sweet (reward) to make themselves feel better, this becomes a routine and therefore a habit.

Typically, when one removes the sweets, for example, another reward will simply take its place. Without understanding the root cause of a stressor, changing the reward will not break the cycle. Tracking down the cause, creating and practicing a new routine and finding a healthy reward is a more effective way to break the cycle of a bad habit.

The study of martial arts excels at breaking down and understanding habits. What if an attack/stressor ‘X’ comes into one’s space? We study the cue (stressor, attack, verbal assault), we come up with an effective routine (de-escalate, evade, block, intelligent retort) and we provide the most addicting award that actually burns calories - the feeling of satisfaction moving through the body, engaging the mind and successfully problem solving at a high rate of speed. This is the type of instant gratification I can endorse.

When we deal with the reality of a habit, we have a better handle on how it can affect us over the long term. Allowing the stress to build up and ignoring the ‘cue’ that continues a bad habit can be unhealthy. Imagine what would happened over a decade of one’s life filled with eating sweets as the only answer to reducing stress.

Don’t stress yourself out this New Year by putting more unrealistic demands on your plate. Take the time to become aware of your habits; take the time to organize them by separating the bad from the good; take the time to discipline yourself to remove the bad ones. In the end, you might find greater relief in just lightening your load.

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Overcoming Overindulgence

One Christmas, a close friend and his wife purchased the newest Wii for their 8 year old son. As an adopted uncle, I frequented their house enough to be a part of some great family moments and this was one of them. It was a family learning to deal with addiction.

Given that their son had a full week and a half free from school and a new Wii console, you could imagine the amount of time spent in front of the TV. Ordinarily he was a voracious reader, but now he had a taste for pixel pie.

After a few days my friends noticed his inability to turn off the Wii without having a temper tantrum. A monster was growing inside their child. An addiction was being born right before their eyes. Being astute, open and honest parents, they recognized their folly of allowing too much game time too fast all in a compressed period of time. They rallied and came up with a plan.

First, they apologized to their son and explained to him what they saw happening to him. He was restless if he wasn’t playing, exhausted after playing, not sleeping well, ignoring other gifts, toys and books that he ordinarily would have enjoyed. Lastly, he was not going outside to enjoy other activities that he had an interest in like skiing, building snowmen or having a snowball fight with his friends.

Second, they shared their plan as to how they would wean him off playing video games as often, because he was going back to school in a few days. He would get thirty minutes of media time (computer, TV or Wii) everyday after school and an hour on Saturday and Sunday. They used a timer right on top of the TV and it sounded a tone for everyone to hear when media time was over.

Lastly, they gave him an opportunity to negotiate and earn more media time as he hit certain milestones. Consistency in homework completion, consistency of good grades, consistency in completing chores, consistency in a good attitude and consistency of showing he had control over work time versus play time.

Less than a year after this episode, my friend confessed to me a prideful moment in his son’s development. He said, “the other day he came up to me as if he were a lawyer ready to present a case. He requested that his mother and I sit down and hear him out about his media time. When we gathered after dinner for ‘the meeting’, he requested an extra 30 minutes of media time due to his consistency in grades, behavior, homework, etc. We countered with 5 more minutes of media time and then he countered with 15 minutes. We were so proud of his argument and follow through that we gave him the full extra 30 minutes on weekends provided he was not playing a sport.”

It was an amazing time for me to watch how organized, open and honest they were with their son and it left quite an impression on me, even 5 years later. Imagine the pride they must have felt watching their child develop into a disciplined, logical negotiator after being a temper tantrum-filled, addicted 8 year old. Children can, will and do respond to proper and balanced guidance in some of the toughest of circumstances when given the chance.

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The Perception Puzzle

They say perception is everything, but what makes up our perceptions? Experiences, ideas, surroundings, family, friends, co-workers, height, weight, intelligence, etc all contribute to our perceptions. Some of what we perceive we’re aware of, like a fly darting towards our eye, while other perceptions are subconscious. Regardless, all perceptions shape who we are and who we will become.

Not only do our perceptions shape who we are, but who we are shapes our perceptions. For example, I have a student who stands six feet six inches while I’m five feet six inches and needless to say our ‘perceptions’ are quite obviously different. He wants to find a better way to take my head off and I want to find a better way to ‘chop him down to size.’ He looks at the world from the top down and I look at it from the bottom up. We both see things differently.

In martial arts, when we learn self-defense movements against a partner, we need to be able to adapt to each other’s body types. Working with someone who has a similar body type and mindset tends to be a bit easier, but real conflict rarely comes customized. The more varied the people we work with, the more our perceptions are shifted and the better we are at dealing with the unexpected.

Understanding a situation from multiple angles also gives us more options in life. Whether a conflict is with a co-worker, a family member or a stranger, being able to perceive a situation from another’s point of view can often help us de-escalate a situation.

Many years ago I was coming to a stop at a red light on my way to see a movie with a friend. A man approximately 20 years my senior was unhappy with my speed, crossed the double line, cut me off, came to a halt and got out of his high end Mercedes Benz just as I came to a stop.

He was well dressed and walked towards my driver side window without saying a word. I knew he was angry, but I knew his anger could not have been with me, so I rolled down my window and pointed out the obvious to a man who was obviously smart enough and successful enough to recognize such.

I said, “Sir, would you like me to get out of the car and have an altercation with you at a red light at 9PM on a Saturday night?” Wordless, he turned around and walked to his car and drove away at the green light. I never even unbuckled my seatbelt.

Although I could not have articulated what transpired in real time, upon reflection, this is how I perceived my mind making the decision to engage the man verbally. First, I recognized that he was not an immediate physical threat as much as he was angry, wanted to vent and I was his convenient excuse. We’ve all been there. Second, I recognized that he was well dressed and seemed more interested in berating a younger man over going to fisticuffs. Lastly, for a man in a rush, a fight and potential police presence wasn’t going to get him to his destination any faster.

What does that have to do with perception? When we perceive, we’re not only using our five physical senses, we are also using our intuition. Our intuition is capable of leaping to conclusions without conscious thought. Often times it is our previous perceptions and understandings that help guide these intuitions.

Could this have gone wrong? Absolutely, but this story highlights the positives of having a clear head and perceiving a situation for what it is and how it can be resolved rather than being resolved to deal with the situation as someone else dictated.

One of the most powerful early lessons in the study of martial arts is learning to attack targets on our own body reflected in a mirror. Knowing what can be attacked teaches us what we need to defend. Perceiving our vulnerabilities in an honest manner helps to illuminate another’s. When our perceptions are clear and accurate, we see more of life’s opportunities and can take better advantage of them.

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Addicted to Habits

We all have habits. From a martial arts perspective, I believe habits come from our need to survive. One way habits do this is by making us more efficient. Set routines eventually form habits that don’t require forethought and thereby allow us to conserve energy and better prioritize its use. These patterns are so habitual that sometimes we create them without even realizing it.

We are social creatures who are unavoidably affected by our circle of influences. As babies, we learn by mimicking or modeling the behavior of others. As we grow older we continue to mimic the habits of our friends and family without judgement. Often, it isn’t until adulthood that we recognize the value of these borrowed behaviors. 

If we want to get the best out of our habits, we need to make sure they are impacting us in a positive way. When teaching martial arts, my habit of choice is known as kata, or pre-arranged movement sets.

In kata training we learn to organize our body’s movements into a pattern. Adhering to a pattern of movement creates awareness and discipline within the body and mind. Kata training also highlights previous habits of thought and movement.

By becoming more attuned to how accurately or inaccurately we can move our body, we reunite the the body with the mind. Clear communication between the two makes us more aware of our habits and therefore we choose them with more discretion.

A good practice is to go through your day trying to become aware of which behaviors you engage in on a routine basis. This may be difficult at first, but as your awareness grows, take the time to discover which habits are beneficial to you, which negatively impact you, and which are superfluous. For example, a habit of my own is the use of the phrase ‘no worries’. Since it doesn’t impact me negatively or positively, we can label it superfluous.

Going a step further, consider the origins of some of your habits. For instance, when I picked up the above phrase, it was 22 years ago at a Rutgers University lacrosse camp. I befriended an Australian teammate, and although I only knew him for a summer, I’ve been using the phrase ‘no worries’ ever since. The type of critical self-inquiry required by this exercise takes time and patience, but eventually it will become just another habit.

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Giving Thanks

This Thanksgiving I’d like to take a moment to thank the men and women in uniform who voluntarily step up to protect us here and abroad. All of the men and women I know that serve as police, fire, EMS and military are glad to do their job and see it as an honor and a duty to protect and serve us all.

We often see the best and worst moments of their often thankless jobs splayed across the media airwaves, but what we don’t see are those moments when they change the lives of many on a daily basis.

What we don’t celebrate daily are the crimes that don’t get committed due to the dedicated men and women who patrol our streets. We sleep easier because patrolmen and women are up all night. Remember this the next time you or someone you know gets pulled over.

What we don’t celebrate daily are the fires that don’t turn into deadly infernos destroying lives and property. We rest easier because the firefighters are ready to mobilize day and night. Remember this the next time you’re waving a dishcloth under your smoke detector.

What we don’t celebrate daily are the lives that are saved by our highly trained EMS squads. We rest easier knowing these men and women are there for us and our loved ones. Remember this the next time you’re pulling over to let an ambulance go by.

What we don’t celebrate daily are the men and women abroad who sacrifice time with their families to help save the lives of other families in a foreign land and culture. We rest easier knowing these brave men and women keep terror at bay so we may have peace on our piece of Earth. Remember this the next time you see a service member.

Although there are times in our jobs where a person’s attitude or behavior may rub us the wrong way, typically we are not responsible for their safety. When a cop, fireman, paramedic or soldier encounters difficult people, their job is to keep even the most ornery of us safe from ourselves and others, and yet still maintain their own personal safety. That’s a lot of responsibility that we don’t get to see on the 6 o’clock news.

So if you know someone who serves in this capacity, thank them this holiday season and while you’re at it, thank everyone else around you, because chances are they’ve all had some input on who you are today.

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The Immediate Gratification Trap

Life is a journey, not a destination  --Ralph Waldo Emerson

Immediate gratification is one of those guilty pleasures that many engage in, but almost everyone despises. In its best form, immediate gratification is a warm smile, a seat given up by a stranger or a big hug from a close friend or family member before you knew you even needed it. In its worst form, it's teenage pregnancy, drug and alcohol abuse or senseless violence.

According to a study written by Cornell University and University of California, Berkeley entitled The Economics of Immediate Gratification:

People have self-control problems: We pursue immediate gratification in a way that we ourselves do not appreciate in the long run.

Immediate gratification is like the trashy magazine or candy bar at the check-out counter. No one sees you parading ‘it’ around, you just grab it, pay for it and slip it into your grocery bag, purse or pocket. It’s so fast that it’s almost like it didn’t happen.

It is no surprise that trashy magazines and junk food are named this way and are placed that way. Marketing experts know exactly the role that self-control plays in purchasing decisions. If you think the supermarket does a great job, look at society’s media complex.

Almost anything worth accomplishing can be mastered in just 4 hours a day. Six-pack abs? Even less time per day. Healthy food? Grab a 12 oz can of veggie-fruit-juice or make that 4 hour energy drink even more efficient and let it wash down all your vitamins by just popping one pill.

Today, social attitudes suggest that any wanton desire should be accomplished ‘right now’.  In such a scenario we’d never be able to sate the current desire before the next one demanded our attention. The beast of ‘now’ is insatiable.

And what are we rushing towards in each of these moments? Completion. Now I understand the speed of completion when it comes to dirty laundry and dirty dishes, but the irony is many of us procrastinate on things we need to do and replace it with distractions that we want to do.

Placing too much energy into immediately gratifying distractions robs us of the energy needed for important tasks that take effort and concentration. In addition, it robs us of the opportunity it takes to build real character.

Meanwhile, technology is supposed to help us organize and leverage our productivity. But if the number of ‘Candy Crush’ invites is any indication, I’d say it often dilutes productivity.

Technology can also warp our sense of time as well as our sense of knowledge. The speed of technology gives us a dangerous cocktail of a) the illusion of more time and b) the real access to more amazing things to distract us ‘right now!’

Because technology is developing faster than human genetics, people frequently allow themselves to be dragged into ‘keeping up’ with the demands of technology rather than taking control of it. Social media, infotainment and the latest scandal fill our seemingly bottomless brains, but what does all of that mental junk food do for us?

Mainly, it shows how ‘blessed’, how awesome, and how much of an outlier everyone else has become. This last example is the most important. When the average person, who puts little effort into an experience, thinks they are capable of accomplishing the extraordinary in a short period of time, they cheapen the extraordinary. And when they don’t achieve instant results, they rarely challenge the method and simply move on to the ‘next best thing’.

Eventually, they claim the extraordinary is too easy or beneath them to even try. In young children it can become about taking and getting rather than earning or deserving. If this happens on a mass scale, we may suddenly find ourselves living in an environment totally devoid of the extraordinary.

In order to establish long-term success, long-term relationships and deeply gratifying lives, we need to develop and maintain good habits. Hard work, perseverance and patience are more likely to pave the road towards extraordinary achievement.

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The Gift of Failure

Recently, a friend of mine posted an article on FaceBook about kids and their homework. In it the author expresses her consternation about ‘signing off’ on her 2nd grader’s homework. She writes:

But just what was required of me? Was I supposed to let him hand in only correct answers? Was I supposed to teach him the skills that he didn’t yet know on these enrichment-type worksheets? Or was I simply signing to show that I was aware of what he is working on?

She never asks the teacher the above questions, but that’s not what’s important. The real question is: when should parents and teachers allow children to experience failure? I don’t think this is a question just reserved for kids, I think this is relevant for anyone who is in a position to help or hinder someone’s growth--in other words, everyone.

I recall when my 4-6 year old students were preparing for a test and a concerned mother queried, “What if David doesn’t pass?”. I replied, “He’ll learn to try harder next time. Besides, he’s only 5 years old, if he doesn’t fail now, when is a more appropriate time?” I won’t bore you with the details, but an interesting conversation ensued about when it’s appropriate to fail and how that gift of failure can instill a sense of pride, responsibility and discipline.

There’s a tongue-in-cheek saying about elections: “vote early and often”. If you could vote early and often, you’d have a better chance of success. Similarly, the best time to make mistakes is when you are younger and the stakes are lower. The earlier a child fails, the easier it is to guide them towards success, resilience and the promotion of a growth mindset. A growth mindset believes that genetics and natural talent are only the starting point. Someone who uses their genetics as a springboard rather than an endpoint learns the value of hard work, determination and perseverance.

In this highly competitive world we tend to view failure as an event that slows people down and undermines confidence, but I believe we need to make a distinction between our failures and the failures experienced by another. Who learns confidence in their balance faster in the below examples?

1. A child loses his balance, falls down, scrapes his knee, cries because it’s painful.
2. A child who is caught before he loses his balance and doesn’t scrape his knee ever.
3. A child wearing protective equipment loses his balance, falls, down and hops right up, because he didn’t hurt himself.

I don’t think there is a single answer for everyone and what response is elicited from the caretaker is just as important as the event. However, I believe that if we obsess about every little failure, bump, bruise or scratch, we make people more fearful and less confident. By being so concerned about failure, and therefore success, we may stimulate the beginnings of a fixed mindset.

A fixed mindset equates making a mistake to being a failure. Children, and adults for that matter, need to let discrete events stand on their own merit instead of making overgeneralized extrapolations. Understanding success and failure this way allows a child to objectively critique their own behavior. This type of self-critique becomes a valuable form of self-discovery and self-discipline, which provide a foundation for positive growth.

Failure is one feedback mechanism we have to guide us through life, success is another. When failure is the main experience, a person may feel alienated from the concept of success and vice versa. This creates a distorted view of reality wherein one finds obstacles that do not exist or claims success where there is no merit.

And what about excessive failure? Some people thrive on failure and it makes them try harder and find ways around obstacles, while others can really wallow in failure and get stuck. Since the distortions are limitless, it is important for children to experience success and failure early on. It is the job of the parent or the educator to help calibrate the scales.

In the end, no matter how hard you may teach another about your failures, people are still going to have to experience their own. Practice makes perfect. When the two are in balance, failure will become the fuel that leads them to successes never imagined.

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